Living by Design vs. Living by Default
“If you want things to be different, you’ll have to step into the unfamiliar, try things you've never done, and lean into the edges of what's possible. True change means showing up in new ways, especially when it's uncomfortable.” – Zoey
Are you living by design or by default? And how do you know?
It’s easy to assume we’re making conscious choices, when in reality, we’re often moving through life driven by automatic responses and patterns we barely notice. Living by design means choosing your actions, responses, and paths consciously, guided by your inner values and desires. Living by default, on the other hand, is like being on autopilot—going through the motions without truly connecting to who you are or what you bring to the world. It’s the difference between simply existing and being intentionally, deeply engaged with your own life.
Somatic healing helps us bridge this gap between default and design. This journey isn’t about endlessly analyzing “why” we are the way we are; rather, it’s about turning inward to meet the parts of ourselves still driven by survival energy and unprocessed wounds. When we give these parts our attention, we release what no longer serves and create space to live more expansively. Healing is the hero’s journey in action—it opens us to the fullness of life, our inherent brilliance, and the vast possibilities encoded within us.
Our lack of self-understanding and healing can often lead to unintended harm. Neuroscience, neuroplasticity, and years of witnessing others’ journeys have shown me that true transformation doesn’t come from quick fixes or projections—it takes perseverance, courage, and a willingness to do the deep inner work.
“Better” isn’t about instant recovery; it’s grounded in the journey of reflecting, leaning into discomfort, and making courageous adjustments. Coping can provide temporary relief, but it often sustains what is—offering brief comfort while unresolved pain remains dormant beneath the surface. And time alone doesn’t heal; it can even deepen unprocessed pain if left unattended. True, lasting change means devoting ourselves to healing, allowing us to navigate those essential, inner conversations, especially with the parts of us still influenced by survival patterns.
Taking care of what we can control doesn’t mean ignoring the world around us or staying silent about our beliefs. But if our actions come at the cost of our physical, mental, or emotional health—or if they weaken our connection to our families, communities, or ourselves—then it’s time to reassess. Real change begins with our ability to hold our own polarities. Can we embrace the confident woman who doesn’t quite feel like she belongs or the “strong” man who’s never had a safe space to acknowledge his vulnerability? If we can’t hold these inner contradictions, the outer world will continue to mirror them back to us.
Somatic healing is a doorway to harnessing the power of your nervous system—a system both powerful and adaptable, yet often misunderstood. This work isn’t just “somatics” as a concept; it’s somatic healing, an active engagement that allows us to become sovereign with our nervous systems. Imagine driving a powerful vehicle with wisdom, awareness, and intention—understanding how it operates and leading it with clarity.
One of the many gifts of somatic healing is that it reveals the possibilities hidden behind our habitual reactions and patterns. And here’s the beauty: even the most stubborn, least receptive people can feel the truth in what’s shared when it comes from a grounded, regulated place. If you want to be truly heard, begin by listening to yourself—not to the endless chatter of your mind or the trauma vortex of your emotions, but to the wisdom within your body and spirit. This is where your true voice lies, ready to be heard.
If you’re seeking healing, or if you want to shape a world you’d be proud to belong to, start by meeting your primary needs. Reclaim your innate wisdom by caring for the basics: movement, sleep, nourishment, connection, and authenticity. Embrace your inner contradictions and explore them with compassion. Only then can we create a world that resonates with our true values—a world rooted in balance, integrity, and real belonging.
That was some love and reflection for you today. After nearly 11 years focused on raising my children and healing, I’m reigniting this blog as a space for supportive educational articles, heartfelt reflections, and soul nourishment—where the whole of me, and perhaps you, belongs. Here, I’m letting the wisdom, the pain, the wonder, the mother, and the student all find expression. There was a time when I wasn’t sure my voice was meant to reach beyond my home and community, but now I feel the call again.
So if this resonates, keep an eye out for more reflections here. Let’s walk this path of healing and discovery together.
With courageous love,
xo Zoey